Ten Things I Probably Hate About You

1. You back your vehicle into every parking spot everywhere. Even when there are signs in ramps stating "No Backing In". They put those sings there for you, dumbass.

2. When you are on vacation, you take a picture of the beatiful tropical view from the beach, but your god damn feet are in the picture. Why would you ruin a perfectly good photo by sticking your ugly ass toes in there? I don't care if you think you have cute feet, you don't. They are feet. Yuck. Knock it off.

3. You bitch about how corrupt and evil Wal-mart is, how it destroys the mom and pop small businesses, and then you shop at Target. Does spending a few bucks more on your things make you feel better about destroying the mom and pop businesses just the same? For your sake, I hope so.

4. You talk on your cell phone in the grocery store. Don't get me wrong - a quick call to confirm a list is fine, but I am talking about you folks who are prattling on about your weekend, all the while roaming the aisles with a completely empty cart. You can't properly shop because you are distracted, so you walk around, stopping every once in a while to passively examine a box of muffin mix or something. Can you please just go to a dark corner of the store and get the hell out of my way?

5. You use the term "Honey-Do List". I have a honey-do list for you: how about a blowjob and a can of beer? See how it feels to be told what to do and not get paid for it?

6. You drink beer out of a bottle at a bar when the exact same beer is available on tap, and cheaper. There are so many reasons to drink tap beer over bottled beer, from taste, the environment, cost, manliness...... Beer was meant to be drank from the tap, but we settle for cans and bottles at home where we can't afford to have 5 kegs of beer on tap.

7. You mow your lawn at 9 am on the weekend. Stop it, please. I don't cut my damn lawn at midnight, when I am up and you are not, so please, let me sleep.

8. You wear your lame ass bluetooth headset on your ear even when you are not on the phone. Are you aspiring to be a cyborg? An emotionless robot wandering through life doing others bidding? Oh wait.... you already are.

9. You are a morning person. You find joy in not only being awake, but all alert and chipper well before the sun has even considered rising. Take a nap or something, you're embarassing yourself.

10. You wear a cell phone hip clip. If I need to elaborate, all hope is lost for you.